Dear Rabbi, Dear
_____, I
hope that I've been helpful. Rabbi
Drucker
Please also let us know if you do not want Rabbi Drucker to post your letter
I have a Catholic, female friend who is dating a Jewish man.
She is 27 and he 31. Scott loves Aimee very much and wants
to marry her. However, he feels that she must convert to
Judaism and raise their children as Jews. She loves Scott
very much and said she is willing to raise their children as
Jews but feels very strongly about her faith. She believes
that they can have a multi-faith marriage as long as they
both respect each other's beliefs. Scott is very worried
about what his family will say and Aimee feels the same
about her's. She would like their children to learn both
religions and thinks that their lives would be enriched
growing up in a loving, tolerant home. She is willing to go
to temple with Scott but Scott refuses to step into a
church. So, that is the impasse that is keeping them apart.
They are aware of what they are going to lose by not coming
to some agreement. Religion and politics often make for
strained relationships.
I suggested to Aimee that she speak with a reform Rabbi in
her area for advice. She is willing, also, to go to classes
to learn more about ourfaith. She is very open-minded and is
willing to go just so far. I think Scott is too worried
about his family and cannot see outside the box. She has a
good relationship with his family and love her.
Is there any advice you could give them that would help them
close the gap? Scott needs a way to be less parochial in his
thinking. Aimee is a wonderful women. His life would be
greatly enriched with her as part of it.
Thank you for listening.
I'm in the midst of finishing a book so my answer will be
perhaps too brief for your thoughtful letter. You may
forward my remarks from Aimee. Your advice about her seeing
a rabbi is a good one.
Scott needs to remember that he's an adult, and while he
loves his parents, that is not a good enough reason to ask
Aimee to become a Jew. The problem is that Jews often don't
know enough about their tradition to love it and want it for
their children as a gift, not just an identity tag. Scott
has some work to do in examining his own reasons for being
insistent about his religion and closed about hers.
Raising children in two faiths may work. Anecdotal
information doesn't assure me of its success. Few of us can
manage to be both Christian and Jewish: history and theology
make it probably impossible. Emotionally, it would seem that
most children feel best knowing that they are boys or girls,
Americans or Canadians. You get the idea. No hierarchy here.
Some may say that the children should be Jews because there
are so few of us. Some say that they should be raised as
Christians because being Jewish has always been complicated,
at best. Whatever the decision, I support a family with one
faith path that is respectful of all.
Many people may be ready to commit to marriage but not yet
to conversion. They agree to learn about Judaism and have a
Jewish home. Their children will be raised as Jews. Some
rabbis will agree to marry under these circumstances. I have
agreed in the past, but in seeing that I didn't do the
couple a favor by deferring the decision, it becomes an
unfinished conversation in the marriage. That being said,
I'm glad that some rabbis do perform interfaith weddings,
because there will be people that will take the step
somewhere down the road, and they just aren't ready at the
time of the wedding.
I still keep thinking that Scott is the problem here. If
they lived here, I'd suggest that Aimee study with me for a
while, and Scott should also study since he probably doesn't
know much. And--I'd tell him to leave her alone and not
discuss the C word at all. Only by study will Aimee have any
idea of whether becoming a Jew will ever be a decision that
she will make.